the question of the week*   month*   etc*

where to begin?   i guess the most logical place would be the most obvious...
i have been displaced due to the new ownership of the property i had been caretaker of for the last 5 years.  
The new owner  gave me the option to buy,  but that was totally impossible due to the fact,  
that i haven't had any cash income whatsoever for the better part of 4 years.

so reluctantly... i had to leave.   'to where'  one might wonder seeing as how i didn't have any income 
to move anywhere ( per say ).   well,   for those who know me...  its a well known fact that there was simply no 
way that i was going to go anywhere without my boys (dogs).  so by the grace of God and 
the dear friendship of  "James",   i have moved into my tent,  in a horse corral thats in the compound where 
he lives.

its really quite comfortable and its nice and fenced off to keep my guys safe.   my tent is large enough 
for all three of us.   theres alot more 'goings on'  than we're used to...  what with the traffic... kids... 
even just the vehicles that drive down the road.   100 times more than we're accustomed to.   but 
i'm very proud of the boys and the way the are adjusting.

i on the other hand,  though extremely EXTREMELY grateful for our lil' spot,  can't seem to let it sink 
all the way in.  its as though i am just waiting for the REAL thing to happen.  whatever that might be.
and no...  theres no plan 'B'...  theres no knight in shining armor in waiting...  and theres no fairy god mother.  
not in my story anyway.

i know its only been 8 days...  but i don't see any hope for a comfort  zone for me.   all i was used 
to and so comfortable in at the other house,  seems so long ago already.  i am so not used to being 
under watchful eyes... having to go from a free life of walking my dogs topless when i saw fit,  and walking 
about in the glory given to me by God. (nude) ... to being right smack dab in the middle
of someone elses domain.  alot of  'someone elses'  at that.

again,  not that i am not totally...and completely grateful for being here...  and being with the boys ~
i just don't know how long i will last.  i keep telling myself that this is as far back as i can i step.
that there are no more steps backwards i have left to take.    but i've seen this all before.
perhaps not in this exact way,   but just when you think it can't possibly get any worse.....
                                                ~   IT WILL ...  AND DOES.   ~-
i have as of late been seeing a Dr. Blau (psychologist).   this is the first time in a very long time that 
i have met a "professional" that i think i can open up to.  theres alot of craziness in here...  and i'm 
not at all worried about whether or not he accepts it... or me.   he doesn't seem like the kind who
would pass judgement.   but he does seem genuinely interested,  and somewhat concerned.

i did note that last week,  he made a point of,  saying that... "there... i could be myself.  i didn't 
have to act like someone else."   which i already knew,  but it was nice to be reassured.   i told 
him of my online journaling.  and that i had a couple of different places i do this.   and he 
actually wants to read some of the things i've written.   i'm thinking that might have to come a 
bit later.  

i don't know if i have found enough comfort in what i've put down for myself...  much less trying 
to explain any of it to another.   i find i am looking forward to thrusdays these days.  i am truly 
thankful for Dr.Blau.  

 















   

Current Location: over the garage
Current Mood: contemplative

After I began to have to face the fact that 'the love of my life'  and I had come to the end of  the life we once shared, my very exsistence became the darkest  place I had ever known.  I, like everyone at one time or another,  have lost people we thought we'd never beable survive without once they were gone.  But this was so incredibly devasting for me I literally became nothing less than a house bound, bed ridden lost soul who would at any given moment brake down in sobbing heart wrenching heart brake that led me directly into the depths of hell like I've had never seen before and to this day still have not.  During the entire following year,  I fought tooth & nail to avoid going any where.  Thank God for my friend, we'll call him James.  A close, long time friend who had been in my life for the better part of 15 years.  He stayed by me the entire time and far past my breakdown.  Though there was no official diagnosis of a "breakdown",  there was nothing else to call the following three overdoses I put myself through.  Two full perscriptions of 90 Seroquel at a time and wash em down with whatever was within reach.  The third was too many Ativan.  The closer the first year  without him approched,  the harder it was to try to stay in the universe I was in. I guess in a way, its a form of self mutilaton, only without the physical scars.  I reassured all that cared, (or seemed to anyway) that I was not trying to 'kill' myself.  I simply could not stand one more moment feeling the gut wrenching pain I had been living with for so long.  Especially for that first year, every second of my life was an active, sorrow filled dwelling that surounded me with quick sand of thick tears.  Suffocating me me with every breath I tried to take..........I'll cont. later........ 

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: indescribable

*Beyond sky blue mountains, upon wind blown grass there stands a mans figure that shines like mirrored glass.  His love is like one I may never know - for it come deep within him, as his sparkling soft eyes touch deep in my soul.  I reach and I'll stretch and I'll try to be... because I want him to stand by me.  The sun now sets, and all is going dark... but my love for him will always be a light in my heart*      Written by,   T.M. Anderson

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: nostalgic

Here I am again.  Don't really have much to say this time, but wanted to offer good tidings to all and to offer a wish that everyone is well.  Until next time...happy holidays

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: thoughtful

I have never done an on-line journal before. And though I realize that it is nothing like a person diary, I'm hoping that it affords those closest to me a little comfort that at least I'm making an effort not to burden them any more necessary. I, as most of us have, am going through a rather difficult time. I'm offering a ball park figure here, but I'm thinking I've "been going through it" for about three years now. My rain cloud really reared it's ugly head the tail end of Dec. 2003. I was content, at the time, in a three year long relationship with the first man I ever truly loved. I mean the whole nine-yards... worshiped the ground he walked on... knew he was the one for me... knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this man couldn't possibly do any wrong even if he tried. Hell, I saw it time & time again, no matter how hard I tried to witness a single moment where I could look at him as something less than the perfection that was simply him... well, it never happened! Anyway... his long time girlfriend from out of state had agreed to quit her job, sell her house and move out here with him, supposedly to give the two of them one more try. Well I could, and did understand the whole situation, and being who I am, I bowed out gracefully. Well as gracefully as I could and still be human. After all, this was the one for me. Life only gives us one, so they say. One day all was content in my little fantasy land, then as if my own personal sun didn't just set beyond the horizon, it dropped so far beyond my universe, well lets just say I was prepared never to see it again. I did my best trying to make sense of what had happened, but as hard as I honestly did try, I couldn't make the old saying; "if you love something set it free..." apply to me. To this day I have no clue where I lost me and saw this man as my only pleasure... my single joy... my solitude and my peace. Oh did I forget to mention... our three year relationship was completely sexually one-sided? Well, I'm (now) not ashamed to say, that if I didn't love him, I damned sure haven't any desire to find out what 'real' love would do to me! That man never wanted for 'satisfaction' a single day that we were together. But I was convinced that "the girlfriend" would get out here and sooner rather than later, would find the desert a place she wanted no part of, and leaving this place no worse for the ware, "I" would of course be the one there for him, and in return for my dedication, loyalty and un-scared love, be the recipient of love almost lost. The final chapter comes quickly in this saga. For she wasn't here a mere two weeks, and after spending a lovely Christmas alone with "HIM", December 26th of 2003 she took his 9mm and found an abandoned cabin. Having not even left a note behind... she killed herself. I was just about to open my craft store when he called and announced that search and rescue had found her body almost 24 hours after she came up missing. Dare I say, he has never been the same. I myself was so dis-trot over the devastation of the situation, all I was good for was just trying to be there for him whenever he'd allow me to be. I might add that comfort wasn't something he wanted. I watched the man I love gradually die starting that December 26th. It was hard for me to understand that death came in a living form. Yet as gradual as it must have been, I'm here to tell anyone who will listen... even in a 'living death'... there is no way to bring someone back , from death. Its time to take a breath for awhile and regroup. I'm afraid I may have started something here that I may not be able to stop til I've said it all. So... I'll be back...sooner, than later.... unknown94

Current Location: ...home
Current Mood: disappointed